Christmas Special

At a quarter to eleven, Ebony Zerkel smiled beatifically as she folded the last of her ribbons, and traversed the length of her flat to the haberdashery drawer. As she walked, she took great pride in the home-made decorations which adorned the dining-room table. She neatly laid the scarlet ribbon in the drawer, then allowed herself a peek through the kitchen window at the snow outside. The sight of falling flakes upon the adjacent factory roof made her literally ‘eep!’ with joy.
She made her way to the bedroom and routinely checked her digital alarm clock. Already the display read 1 AM. How could this be? The thing must be broken. She pressed the necessary combination of buttons until the correct time synchronised with her wrist-watch, and lay back upon her bed. No sooner had sleep swallowed her than she was awoken with a chill, and a presence at the foot of her bed. With a start, she sat bolt-upright to survey this spectral apparition before her.
The figure was female, over six feet tall, and though not fully opaque, her body could be seen to be shapely. Long, shiny black hair swept down from her crown. Her face was distorted and sinister: Her lips were bloated like those of a carp, and her skin was stretched and pulled back as though tied in a knot behind her head. Draped over her breast was a necklace composed of a number of credit-cards and bank-notes. At the end of each long, slender arm was a collection of designer shopping bags, each one bulging and angular.
The apparition silently surveyed Ebony, and for some time, Ebony could only stare back, at a loss as to what she should say. Eventually, having ascertained that the ghost would not break the silence, Ebony cleared her throat, and meekly enquired ‘Who are you? What do you want?’
The voice that returned her questions was soft and low, and had a numinous quality to it: ‘Ebony Zerkel, I am the Ghost of Rampant Consumerism, and I am here to teach you the true impact of Christmas. Over the next two nights, you will receive two more visitors; the Ghost of Catholic Guilt, and the Ghost of Non-Biodegradable Landfill. You shall heed our warnings, Ebony Zerkel, and you shall mend your ways.’

Many years later, Ebony (now plump with middle-age) reclined on her sofa with her husband, who was already watching a Christmas Special on the television. Suddenly, the memory of her ghostly visitations returned to her. ‘How strange,’ she thought, ‘that such an event should have so little effect on me.’ As the third spirit left her that Christmas Eve, Ebony did indeed vow to mend her ways, but each successive year, a little more festive cheer returned, a few more mince pies on the table, a little more tinsel on the tree. Slowly, the effect of the visions had waned, as the cultural omnipresence of Christmas bombarded her cerebellum.
Dressed as Batman, Del Boy ran through the streets of Peckham, Rodney close behind.



Thanks everyone, and Merry Christmas. I'm going to take a short break over the holidays. I'll be back in the New Year with more nonsense.